Lost in the Music

Do you ever get lost in a song? Sometimes its the first time you hear it. I just wanna close my eyes and sway breathe it in feel it on a whole different level remote from my body. sometimes it's the first time. Others the 50th. But this time it's different it's like a time machine and i could be walking past a store, restaurant, or it comes on my ipod and it makes me want to just freeze right where i am because the second i catch the song my soul gets sucked away my heart drops, stomach flutters and it's hard to breathe really i'm just afraid to breathe because i want the moment to last. I'm sucked back to another time Dancing with the world a blur in CR Driving with the windows down music up singing.. no screaming as loud as i can just because it feels good Studying my brains out Depressed after the crush didn't work out I know they don't all sound happy but there's value there. substance. Me. It's all a part of me and it's like i'm on a train and somedays it's crawling and i watch out the window and it lasts forever and i drink in and somedays it's speeding to fast spiraling and i don't have enough time the sun sets too soon and i get caught standing outside trying to catch raindrops or snowflakes but I can't grasp them it's slipping awayyyyyyyy and i'm back in the present and this hole that i'd forgotten for a while, it's back and it's uncomfortable. Not downright painful but almost worse. Restless, pulling, yearning. And i look back and I see me A better me than i've ever felt. And I want it back Do you know what it's like to lose that? To walk away get on the plane peacefully watch out the window as it all slips away drops away beneath you and all you want to do is scream "land the plane, I made a mistake" "I'm not ready to go yet" Cut to present day, and what i do get is the music these snippets of time i steal away lost in the song Just me and my memories

Homes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYNM6SjD_o&ob=av2e

Over a Year ago I posted this song. Maybe I was preparing myself, maybe I thought I was ready. Maybe I really am. Now I don't have any other choice. It's done. We moved out this month. My house/home of 21 years. No one new is in it yet, but someday, and i hope that they will be able to make wonderful memories.

weird... to close that chapter. It's good to start new, and my Mom needs this, and I need this. It wasn't really home anymore, too many memories, not all good anymore.

But... knowing that doesn't make it easier. I feel how I feel, and it's sad. This conflict is the hardest part. The things I miss and at the same time I'm glad are over.

Hot Hot Hot.

So I've said it before and I'll say it again. Inconsideration is my BIGGEST pet peeve. and I know i'm not always the innocent party. BUT in a communal space, you need more of it.

It's 100 degrees out. Our air only works on the first floor, so 4 (counting me) people are sleeping in our living room. When you go to bed by 11, it'd be nice to let roommates not home know, that's all I'm saying. 2/3 were asleep at 11 when i got home. shades drawn, house completely dark. I need a fucking light, I don't want to trip and kill myself, and i have a ton of crap in my hands. So when you go to bed that early do not give me dirty looks when i need a light at 11. Coming from the ppl that used to party 5 days a week. But I'm not trying to judge them for that. Their excuse? i've previously not told them where I was and didn't come home. There have been 2 nights, just 2 nights i haven't come home alllll summer. Hardly usual. Hardly routine. Hardly an excuse. I'm ready to get a freaking hotel room to get out of my apartment. The heat makes everyone cranky enough. and unlike my roommates I don't have friends with pools that I can go swim in after school. I'm stuck here. Hot. Or I go to work. So i don't think that asking for a little extra consideration is too much to ask for. and to help things, the second floor could be livable. If I lived on our second floor, i think i could sleep in my bed with fans. But no, they're all on the first floor. But no, I live on the 3rd floor which is literally unlivable. it's impossible. No air at ALL gets up there. I'm tempted to go up there and try to sleep tonight just to get away from everyone. I'm ready to rent a hotel room, with money I don't have.

Oh and yesterday I stop home to pick up a few more things before going to make dinner, and the roommate I've known for 2.5 years is crying and on the phone, and i'm asking whats wrong and the New roommate is all "i'll tell you later" WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I've known her for over 2 years, you've known her 2 months! And I don't get clued in? I'm not "in" on it. Wow. Fuck you too. I haven't been swearing. I've been stopping. But I am So FUCKING sick of this bullshit. I cannot wait to move out.

As if my life isn't stressed enough these days, between school, a sucky job, moving out of my childhood home... you know things that are no big deal. Stressing because I'm graduating soon... ughhhh

Sorry this one wasn't more motivational. I just needed a vent sesh. My friends are busy, and a lot of them I haven't talked to in a while... we're all busy. it sucks. I just want to control my own life.

What's a girl to do? *Woman

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

So my summer is half over! it's July 7th, well almost July 8th. Yikes. I've been incredibly busy, you'd think that wouldn't leave time for free thoughts, yet they seem to creep in. I don't know what it is about summer, the warm weather that screams for company at any given moment. Or maybe it's my history of fending for myself. Keeping everyone at a distance. It's not really intentional, most of the time I don't realize I've done it. It seems natural with my busy schedule, but there's something distinctly unique about it I think. Probably protection, and I say all of this making it seem like I'm consious enough of it to change it, that I want to change it. Somedays, maybe I am.. Others who knows.

Quite a few months ago I posted a song and talked about what home means to me, and how much it's changed. The craziest part is that it's about to change for good. To turn completely around. And I know it is for the best, and I am so incredibly proud, and inspired by my Momma, but I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic. Every "home" childhood memory i have is from that house. Yes I have tons of memories from grandparents houses etc. but that's been my home the only stable, always there house with my momma in it for 21 years. My whole life, haha this is making me cry. But I gotta cry now I can't cry this weekend when we're moving the rest of the stuff out. I feel slightly ridiculous, but know that it's justified. In a way this could be good. because as much love and good memories, there's a decent amount of hurt, and despair buried in that house too. A clean place to start is going to be good. oofta. Don't get me wrong, I really am excited, this has been an incredibly long time coming... But 21 years is a good solid 1/4 of my life hopefully.

Time for bed, More soon I hope. I keep trying to not let so much time pass inbetween... then life gets in the way of my plans ;)

It is May and the weather is gorgeous, it's a sunny 80 degree day, the kind we've all been waiting for.
Within the last week the leaves have magically erupted from the branches, filling our city with a beautiful green.

Somethings missing.

During the school year I long for summer... the heat and lazy days. The bliss of no classes where I can read a book i choose, watch tv, go to the zoo, tan in a park. But when it arrives I find I'm not greeting it with the open arms of a long awaited friend, but more with that weary unease in my soul. I fear this isn't a friend I've missed like I thought. One that fills you with joy and company. It feels to be the other kind. The ones that have betrayed you, left you feeling lonely and empty. It seems counter intuitive for summer to warrant as such a friend yet, today, day 3 of my practically summer vacation, I'm restless, and there is an ache in my heart.

Does it ache for all the summers past spent with lovers? Does it long for someone to keep me company and fill the void?
I know that I shouldn't solve the ache with a person, but find the solution within myself.
Or does it merely ache for the summers of my childhood. Spent fishing on the lake, bonfires roasting marshmallows, sleep overs, pools, running through the grass with bare feet, and hair flying. Lazy days with my grandparents, playing with my cousins.
Does my heart ache for those simplicities once again in life. That have been removed by living in the city. Shoes always, you never know where there might be glass, or nails. Grass is far to scarce.
Or Does it ache for the man. My father. The days and time spent with him when I believed his lies, his confidence. and thought he held all my answers. Little did i know...
LIttle did i know I'll spend a large majority of my life aware of male attentions. Pretending I don't need it, want it, but craving it all the same, longing for it. Fighting a war with my soul for inner peace. Wondering if I will find it.

And in it a way to calm my restless soul, and aching heart, so I can enjoy my summers once again.

I miss Costa Rica. My heart longs for it like one would long for a lost lover. It's a never ceasing ache, that I feel down to the bottom of my soul. It hollows out my stomach and pulls on my heart. Reprieve is few and far between. There is only business that pushes to the back. Allowing me brief moments of solitude. I long to travel, get out of town, try new things, return to my friends in Costa Rica. But i know if i went back it wouldn't be the same. Without all the people, my friends, it wouldn't be the same. So really I suppose what I'd like is a time machine, the opportunity to live it over and over and over again. Those days were happiness. A dream come true. . . That feels like it slips away a little more each day. And that's the part that hurts. The fear of forgetting.

Turning Tables

It would seem counter intuitive for me to declare the my new-found perspective this semester has made me less tolerant, and less patient. Sadly at this moment it seems to be the case. What do I do? A good friend of mine, her mom has stage 4 cancer, her boyfriend (who refused to take that title...so really "guy she was dating") cheated on her. Not once but twice. Her dog was just put to sleep, oh yeah and her grandmother died too. And she is going to hold her head up high. She is having a rough time, and honestly I think "rough time" is an understatement. but now more than ever she is keeping her eyes on what is important. Is that just life experience or are younger generations becoming incapable? Did I baby her too much? Did we?

I know my sister is a strong woman. She is my sister so that goes without saying and I love her until the end of the earth. But I do not understand what the hell she sees in this d-bag. Pardon my French. She's gorgeous and he's a scruff. She's educating herself. He's wallowing at home in his ignorance. He's controlling, jealous, manipulative, and she can't see it. Ughhhhhhhh. Was it this painful for my mom and older sister to watch me make the mistakes a while back? Double Ugh. Once the break up cycle starts, I've learned... there's no going back. It doesn't work.

What I want to say:

Don't be a bitch for no reason. Really. Don't be.
Don't be petty or childish. I know that it seems like we lost a lot of our childhood but it doesn't mean you get it back now.
Don't be a bitch for no reason. Really, it's almost never necessary.
If you're not being heard, it's part your fault because you're allowing it.
Standing up for yourself is easy. Standing up for yourself while keeping cool, calm and collected and respectful is one of THE hardest things.
Don't settle for jealousy
Don't settle for insecurity.
Don't settle for someone you can't even 100% be true to yourself about.
Trust your family. Trust in them.
Don't waste your education. Or the money you're spending on it. Especially not over a boy.
Don't wait around. Life is too short.
Do always be true to yourself.
Do love. Everyone. Always.
Do have faith that this is the path you're meant to be on. So start enjoying the ride.
Do hope. For anything and everything.
Do dream for all that awaits you.
Do trust that it will get easier.
Do Believe that you are never, ever, alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx7sLNyIeQk

Even Though

So it's been a while since I wrote, and a lot has changed. I found a new major, and my eyes have been opened to incredible realities within the world and our nation in particular. Because of this I didn't want to stay *as* quiet anymore and to share some of my musings, thoughts etc. from my classes with ya'll. So, here goes.

I’m starting to not understand how these problems don’t get addressed. Because it all circles back to the same thing. And instead of helping we blame them, and design a system for them to fail. Tell them to get off their asses, get a job, exercise, stop selling drugs, be members of society. I need to be more specific. I’m talking about the hood, the projects, minorities, etc. now I’ve never lived there or amongst them but I’m hearing a lot about it. And I don’t understand how these problems are not being addressed. Projects are built downtown. Near poor schools, well really the schools are poor because they’re near the projects. Public schools get a lot of their funding from the local neighborhoods from taxes etc. People in the projects are on welfare. What do you expect when you give them a crappy education, therefore limiting their job opportunities. This is presuming they even HAVE job opportunities near where they live. Because heaven knows that they don’t have a car, or wouldn’t be able to afford drivers ed. And in case you haven’t heard the public transportation isn’t very efficient or good from what I can tell in these areas either. And this is if businesses or factories are even around for them to work in. with all the outsourcing for cheap labor or need for space, last time I checked, factories aren’t being built downtown in cities where people need work. And we’re going to talk about how they are overweight. And white people want to tell them to exercise, eat healthier-fruits and veggies. Well that’s well and great but have you seen how expensive produce is these days? Much less how many times you need to frequent the grocery store to have a regular influx of it. This is presuming AGAIN that there are even good grocery stores in these neighborhoods. Which according to the article there aren’t. and why? Because people can’t shop there, because it’s too expensive for all of the previously aforementioned reasons. Great. Just Great. And yet! We aren’t going to tax the rich. We’re going to continue to better other nations because it is our duty as a privileged nation, and love them because their leaders are mean. Even though not everyone can get a good education in this country. Even though minorities especially blacks are being incarcerated at alarming rates. Even though we are racist and prejudiced against our own people. Even though we as “white Americans” question every person of color we pass on the street. (I’m going to ignore for the time being how inappropriate the term American is for us that live in the US.) And yet these issues aren’t being addressed.