The House that Built Me

It was a long day, and i should be sleeping, I worked two jobs, and my feet and calves are killing me, but the easy peace that comes with sleep just isn't coming to me currently. So I decided to write. Lately I've been on a tangent to my childhood, and home. Literally a tangent, reaching out to touch it, but actually a separate entity, that is headed in a different direction. I love this song, it says a lot. Listen to it. Really, whether you like country or not, let it take you back. Where did you grow up? What made you who you are? And what is your greatest fear?

Fears

At first it might not seem that all those questions fit together. For me however they do. My greatest fear is to forget. To lose my memories, the ones I cannot fully grasp, or someday losing the clear ones I have. Let me take you back. To my grandparents farm... Climbing the pussy willow tree all the way to the roof of the garage, no shoes, feet black from the tar roof among other things. Sugar Maple climbing contest, I swear we had some of the best climbing trees. And we played house amidst the pines, and the silos, and the barn, and the house itself occasionally entering those rooms banned by grandma. Four-wheeler rides kept us entertained for hours. Apologies to the cousins we lost off the back occasionally... Whoops ;) good thing my driving has improved. Cut to easter egg hunts and opening presents with bellies stuffed so full you just wanted to lie on the floor. Snowmobile rides, sledding down the giant hill, praying you didn't hit a hidden ant hill and take a tumble. Surrounded by wildlife at all times: deer, bunnies, coyotes, hawks, birds, owls, turtles, mice, dogs, cats, frogs, fish, toads, grasshoppers, and... fireflies. You've never seen them light up the night air like they do out there. I could lie on my back for hours finding constellations, listening to a campfire crackle, eating s'mores, and chasing fireflies. Little glimmers of hope, chance, and faith blinking all night long.

What about the house I was raised in? how about the bottom of the stairs where i sat on my sister and she split her chin open? or that pine tree that has grown with and out grown me, you wouldn't believe how much it's grown, I suppose one could say the same about us kids. Transformations are a funny thing, that even the simplest seasons can bring worlds of change. Our abundant garden turned into a winter wonderland playground with drifts over our noggins, but sturdy enough for our little boots, plus the dog. And that barren tree transformed into a place of solace where one could swing for hours, stretching, reaching to touch those leaves with your toes. We raised chickens, trapped coons, and took long walks to the woods. I've built a fort around a tree. Gotten muddy and gotten in trouble, ran away, and ran home. Cried myself to sleep and cried with laughter and joy. Broken hearts and been broken hearted. Played in the warm and cold rain, succumbed to the whispers of the wind. Sang my heart out to the birds, and belted songs with my momma.

You see I don't fear the unknown. I'm afraid of the known slipping away. Missing those moments in time. Not realizing them until they're gone. I understand that ultimately time is out of my hands, and therefore in Gods. I'm not afraid to watch my life flash before my eyes, I'm afraid to forget my life and all the steps that brought me here. The known becoming the unknown. People I know, love, and trust, all of a sudden being different than I've always known. Which does and has happened. And that is a sad day. When the people you are close to become people you were close to. and where does the blame go? There is no easy place, and sharing it does not make it easier either.

"I thought if i could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing, out here its like I'm someone else, thought that maybe i could find myself."... "you leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can, I got lost in this big ol' world and forgot who I am"

Maybe I'm just finding myself again and realizing what I love. It's a sad day to not know what you love. And to realize that sometimes you need to be away from your life to know what you truly adore and need to feel whole, to feel alive. The grass under your toes, stars in the sky, and the warm heat of a friend or lover nearby. Fall leaves, Sledding....

Here's to you: What's your song? What is your greatest fear? And what makes you whole?

Consideration

What is it about being considerate that people don't understand these days? How have we become a population that is entirely self absorbed? Was it the media? or our parents? or life experiences?

I like to think I'm a pretty easy going person, but inconsiderate people really tick me off. Now I know I'm not perfect and that sometimes I try to look out for number one. But all the time? Give me a break! Take at home for instance... my mom "picks up my room... she wanted to clean it up for me to come home to" While i appreciate the thought. I absolutely cannot stand it! I was expecting things to be where I knew they were and it throws me off. If you want something done with my stuff, just ask me nicely and I'll move it. No questions asked. and yes, if it has been laying around for days then by all means stack it and put it somewhere obvious so I see it and know to put it away. But if you need to plug something in, and say my computer is plugged in by all means I'm not around so unplug it. But when you're done it would be CONSIDERATE of you to put it back. Tough concept? I think not. Oooh here's a good one. You walk into the apartment on the phone loudly, or with a friend and see me sitting on the couch watching TV. Consideration would be being quieter and taking it upstairs. Not carrying on as if you didn't see me, oh wait did i mention its not even your place? Lovely. Again this stuff is brain surgery right? Or taking an unimportant phone call when you have company. Or texting a lot with company. Not returning calls or texts, if you don't want to talk that's understandable, but please say that. Don't just ignore it.

RULES TO LIVE BY
If you empty it, Fill it.
If you move it, put it back.
If you make a mess, clean it up.
If you break it, admit it.
If you can't fix it, call someone who can.
If you borrow it, return it.
If you get it out, put it away.
If you sleep on it, make it up.
If you wear it, hang it up.
If you drop it, pick it up.
If you dirty it, wash it.
If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If it rings, answer it.
If its wilty, water it.
If you value it, take care of it..

Sittin', Waitin', Wishin'

Sittin'
Sitting here in my bed after a long but wonderful day with my sister, and family. I should be sleeping, but I feel the need to write. What keeps us sitting? Staying still for periods of time? I watched a movie, and then Grey's Anatomy tonight, I sat in the car on the drive up here. I sat through class all semester... Generally speaking its a long term goal that keeps us sitting. Graduating college, getting to my sister's house. Sitting helps you accomplish those, it is in so many words a means to an end. We also sit for enjoyment, to relax. Although personally I don't feel that just because I'm sitting that it helps me relax, my brain spins a million mph... pretttttty much 24/7. Not always fun, but it can be pretty entertaining.

Waitin'
What are we waiting for? Tomorrow, the weekend, next week, next month, next year. Most of us are always waiting for something. As if the present isn't good enough. That face time you're getting with your new love interest is interrupted because you're waiting on a call, or text, or email. We don't know about tomorrow, why are we waiting for it? expecting it to be better? It might not even come. Chances are it will. But why put it off. Why put off telling him or her you like them? Or that you Love your family? That you don't see them nearly enough? Or that you love your friends and cherish their friendship? Why waste time focusing on everything they're not. Instead of everything they are? Why are we waiting for life to pass us by? So we can lay on our death beds (preferable over the pavement) saying I Wish I....

Wishin'
I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.
I wish the stars would always shine and the man I adore would ask to be mine.
I wish for health and happiness to all that i hold dear
I wish for courage, strength, and love to keep my mind and heart clear
I wish for someone to hold my hand when i'm sad, and to hold me when all i want to do is cry.
I wish that it wasn't hard to be alone.

Wasting away the day wishin', or maybe it's a perfect way to spend the day. Dreaming is good, as long as you do not let your dreams paralyze you, or hold you back. Dreaming, Wishing, is great, it's ideal. but stop waiting. Those dreams aren't just going to land on your lap. You're going to have to work for them. So stand back up and get your hands dirty. Nothing worth having comes easy.

<3 always

Summer

Finally finals are overrrrr! woot woot! Looks like summer has finally arrived, I was really starting to wonder if it was ever going to come. This semester was nothing short of total hell, but it's over, and next in store is Costa Rica! Lovvvveeee it! Even better now I was calculating out my GPA, because after this semester, I was super afraid of dropping below a 2.75 and possibly not being able to go to Costa Rica, which would really suck considering I already bought my plane ticket! BUT like I said i was calculating it out and it looks like I'll be safe! Thank goodness.

Today is quite possibly my one real day of freedom before I need to work a lot, I have 2 jobs, one that I'm just starting tomorrow. Hopefully i can get the schedules to work around each other and make decent moneyyyy. Costa Rica isn't cheap you know.

I Love the sun! i love laying out in my swimming suit and getting all sweaty while tanning. I kinda miss home though, because at home I live practically in the middle of nowhere. Less witnesses to see me in my bikini... Oh well there are plenty of things I love about this city as well. I love the parks, and how pretty and green everything is, especially all of the flowering trees. Never mind that we have one of THE most beautiful, incredible capitol buildings, that every Saturday morning is surrounded by a hustling, bustling farmers market! Where you can get flowers, fresh produce, bread, cheese, meat, hot sticky buns, and hot spicy cheese bread.... mmmmm this is making me hungry, maybe its time for a snack :)

I had a good weekend, work wasn't so bad, a lot more dead than we were expecting it to be, but oh well. Saturday I got out early and met up with a friend before going over to another friends house where we got to chill and drink. 5am is much more fun after a night of good company than a night of studying. I loveeeed getting to sleep in on Sunday and actually made pretty good money. Then i came home and cleaned/organized my life a little bit before watching Sherlock Holmes and being joined by a friend :) Funniest thing ever: He walked face first into our screen door that goes out onto the porch... pahahahahaha <3 but it was a good weekend, hopefully the days just keep getting better! Off to the library probably to get some books to read!

<3 love always!