Where does one find motivation? From within? from what is yet to come? From love or hope or belief?

These days it is a struggle, something few and far between. The motivation to roll out of bed, to do homework or studying instead of taking that nap. To drink water instead of soda, to get ready and leave the house to meet up with friends. None of these are supposed to be so trying, or supposed to take so much energy. That I must force myself to get up, dressed, and go to class.

I hate not knowing what is going to happen with the rest of my life. Yes, I suppose the surprise is worth while, and that, that is where faith is supposed to come in. I want to know that everything is going to work out. Well i suppose it will, just the way that it is supposed to, as god intended it. If there's a god. Who am I kidding. I believe. I don't necessarily understand it. But i believe that there is a god. I can't put limits or boundaries or qualify the beliefs that I have, but I know I have them. I also hope. Hope for a better world, a better life, better intentions.

"The purpose of music is to free the mind from the tyranny of conscious thought" I love that. Does music entirely free my mind more than engage it? That I'm not sure about. but I love music, and quotes. The emotion, the passion, the fluidity, the universal connection between everyone. That is music.

Haha so a brief note about me: I'm a bit random. The real me is anyways. and my thoughts hoppity bobbity all over the place. Hopefully you can keep up. :)

Is there such a thing as true love? Can there be? I'm talking about the real thing, love at first sight, not getting bored. I do not mean no fights. Because i believe fights are natural and healthy, and that often the ones you fight with are the ones worth fighting for. But is it really there? that tingling in your stomach, complete faith in another person that they love you just as much as you love them. I want it, I hope for it, and nothing less. Are my standards too high? Some may think so. But why settle when it really exists? Why should I settle for less than I deserve, if it's really out there? Why should anyone? I don't want to be unrealistic, but why is asking for the best possible thing for me unrealistic? Why should I not get the best I can have?...

So I guess we can go with the standard "about me" for the first blog :) keep it ususal, haha not that I'm a usual woman at all. For now, I'm 20 years old, and a middle child. I love my family dearly but they drive me up a wall. I'd go to the end of the earth for any and all of my family and friends. A trait that often wrecks havoc on my sanity, but what can a girl do? Well what can this girl do... not much as it turns out.

Exciting things in my future right now though is fall semester of school! I'm planning on studying abroad in Costa Rica! I've been there once before in high school for 8 days. It was a blast and I can't wait to go back, but I'm looking forward to spending more serious time there, and really getting to experience the country and its culture (hopefully).

So I hate the excuse "I've been busy" because yes there is busy. But there is always time to be made for the important people in your life. And from my experience I can't help but feel that if people aren't making time for you then you can't mean that much to them, which shouldn't be the case, for anyone. Because I truly believe there is no excuse. Because relationships aren't all easy, they take effort both ways. This is normal. This is life. And that is what frustrates me because sometimes I am the recipient of "too busy" and other times it is people I care about. For instance we have a 94 year old family friend. She's basically like an extra Grandma to me. There was a period that I didn't see her and then it just got to a point for me where I went, you know what, I know that she's going to give me a hard time for not seeing her but I need to suck it up and just go because she will appreciate it so much more. Now I try to stop in and see her everytime I come home. I know what I'm doing is great and I love her. And it feels better to know I'm not going to have any what-ifs if something were to happen to her.

For a while I was really trying to live my life by a "just do it" motto. I know it's kind of cheesy and I'm stealing Nike's heat, but it's good. You know? Don't wait. All we have is now. One shot. One life. Often just one chance. Which should be more than enough. So many people spend their lives waiting for life to happen. What are they waiting for? What are you waiting for? This is all we get. Right now, right here. Life is happening right now! and if you're waiting, you're missing it!

This is all fine and dandy I'm well aware haha which is why I started with "I was really trying to live my life by this" I was doing really well! ... for a while. Then you kinda get beat down by life, and it takes a bit to be able to heal, and stand up again. Not impossible, it just doesn't happen over night. I still love life, it just feels like it has been fighting against me lately instead of on my team. That's fine right? I can hold my own for a while. Just be nice to not have to sometimes. Haha. A girl can dream.

Ha ha so this strayed a bit from the about me but oh well, welcome to my random thoughts :) that and it took me a million hours to write this with a bunch of distractions.

Much Love <3