It is May and the weather is gorgeous, it's a sunny 80 degree day, the kind we've all been waiting for.
Within the last week the leaves have magically erupted from the branches, filling our city with a beautiful green.

Somethings missing.

During the school year I long for summer... the heat and lazy days. The bliss of no classes where I can read a book i choose, watch tv, go to the zoo, tan in a park. But when it arrives I find I'm not greeting it with the open arms of a long awaited friend, but more with that weary unease in my soul. I fear this isn't a friend I've missed like I thought. One that fills you with joy and company. It feels to be the other kind. The ones that have betrayed you, left you feeling lonely and empty. It seems counter intuitive for summer to warrant as such a friend yet, today, day 3 of my practically summer vacation, I'm restless, and there is an ache in my heart.

Does it ache for all the summers past spent with lovers? Does it long for someone to keep me company and fill the void?
I know that I shouldn't solve the ache with a person, but find the solution within myself.
Or does it merely ache for the summers of my childhood. Spent fishing on the lake, bonfires roasting marshmallows, sleep overs, pools, running through the grass with bare feet, and hair flying. Lazy days with my grandparents, playing with my cousins.
Does my heart ache for those simplicities once again in life. That have been removed by living in the city. Shoes always, you never know where there might be glass, or nails. Grass is far to scarce.
Or Does it ache for the man. My father. The days and time spent with him when I believed his lies, his confidence. and thought he held all my answers. Little did i know...
LIttle did i know I'll spend a large majority of my life aware of male attentions. Pretending I don't need it, want it, but craving it all the same, longing for it. Fighting a war with my soul for inner peace. Wondering if I will find it.

And in it a way to calm my restless soul, and aching heart, so I can enjoy my summers once again.

I miss Costa Rica. My heart longs for it like one would long for a lost lover. It's a never ceasing ache, that I feel down to the bottom of my soul. It hollows out my stomach and pulls on my heart. Reprieve is few and far between. There is only business that pushes to the back. Allowing me brief moments of solitude. I long to travel, get out of town, try new things, return to my friends in Costa Rica. But i know if i went back it wouldn't be the same. Without all the people, my friends, it wouldn't be the same. So really I suppose what I'd like is a time machine, the opportunity to live it over and over and over again. Those days were happiness. A dream come true. . . That feels like it slips away a little more each day. And that's the part that hurts. The fear of forgetting.