The House that Built Me

It was a long day, and i should be sleeping, I worked two jobs, and my feet and calves are killing me, but the easy peace that comes with sleep just isn't coming to me currently. So I decided to write. Lately I've been on a tangent to my childhood, and home. Literally a tangent, reaching out to touch it, but actually a separate entity, that is headed in a different direction. I love this song, it says a lot. Listen to it. Really, whether you like country or not, let it take you back. Where did you grow up? What made you who you are? And what is your greatest fear?

Fears

At first it might not seem that all those questions fit together. For me however they do. My greatest fear is to forget. To lose my memories, the ones I cannot fully grasp, or someday losing the clear ones I have. Let me take you back. To my grandparents farm... Climbing the pussy willow tree all the way to the roof of the garage, no shoes, feet black from the tar roof among other things. Sugar Maple climbing contest, I swear we had some of the best climbing trees. And we played house amidst the pines, and the silos, and the barn, and the house itself occasionally entering those rooms banned by grandma. Four-wheeler rides kept us entertained for hours. Apologies to the cousins we lost off the back occasionally... Whoops ;) good thing my driving has improved. Cut to easter egg hunts and opening presents with bellies stuffed so full you just wanted to lie on the floor. Snowmobile rides, sledding down the giant hill, praying you didn't hit a hidden ant hill and take a tumble. Surrounded by wildlife at all times: deer, bunnies, coyotes, hawks, birds, owls, turtles, mice, dogs, cats, frogs, fish, toads, grasshoppers, and... fireflies. You've never seen them light up the night air like they do out there. I could lie on my back for hours finding constellations, listening to a campfire crackle, eating s'mores, and chasing fireflies. Little glimmers of hope, chance, and faith blinking all night long.

What about the house I was raised in? how about the bottom of the stairs where i sat on my sister and she split her chin open? or that pine tree that has grown with and out grown me, you wouldn't believe how much it's grown, I suppose one could say the same about us kids. Transformations are a funny thing, that even the simplest seasons can bring worlds of change. Our abundant garden turned into a winter wonderland playground with drifts over our noggins, but sturdy enough for our little boots, plus the dog. And that barren tree transformed into a place of solace where one could swing for hours, stretching, reaching to touch those leaves with your toes. We raised chickens, trapped coons, and took long walks to the woods. I've built a fort around a tree. Gotten muddy and gotten in trouble, ran away, and ran home. Cried myself to sleep and cried with laughter and joy. Broken hearts and been broken hearted. Played in the warm and cold rain, succumbed to the whispers of the wind. Sang my heart out to the birds, and belted songs with my momma.

You see I don't fear the unknown. I'm afraid of the known slipping away. Missing those moments in time. Not realizing them until they're gone. I understand that ultimately time is out of my hands, and therefore in Gods. I'm not afraid to watch my life flash before my eyes, I'm afraid to forget my life and all the steps that brought me here. The known becoming the unknown. People I know, love, and trust, all of a sudden being different than I've always known. Which does and has happened. And that is a sad day. When the people you are close to become people you were close to. and where does the blame go? There is no easy place, and sharing it does not make it easier either.

"I thought if i could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing, out here its like I'm someone else, thought that maybe i could find myself."... "you leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can, I got lost in this big ol' world and forgot who I am"

Maybe I'm just finding myself again and realizing what I love. It's a sad day to not know what you love. And to realize that sometimes you need to be away from your life to know what you truly adore and need to feel whole, to feel alive. The grass under your toes, stars in the sky, and the warm heat of a friend or lover nearby. Fall leaves, Sledding....

Here's to you: What's your song? What is your greatest fear? And what makes you whole?